Utter Intolerability of Everything

Does anyone else find that everyday life in London propels them into an inexorable rage on a near-daily basis? I arrive at the tube station at an ungodly hour, where, half-awake, I am assailed by absurd 'health and safety' announcements made in a strange semi-English tongue. Boarding the inevitably packed train, the next thirty minutes are spent
standing up, someone's elbow jammed into my windpipe, whilst having to listen to a ghastly cacophony of repetitious hissing and popping noises emanating from numerous poltroons' iPods. This distracts me from my attempts to read the morning paper, in which I can learn about rampant gun crime, government lies, and on a lighter note, the latest indignities and degradations that our vacuous 'celebrities' have most recently and proudly subjected themselves to.

Alighting from the station in an intermittently-operational lift (so crowded that I feel I must be an extra in a Merchant Ivory recreation of the Black Hole of Calcutta) which London Underground insist they do not have the money to repair, despite charging the highest fares in Europe, I then try to dodge a multitude of red-light dodging, pavement-surfing cyclists as I walk to the office, where I then spend the next 8 hours engaged in a series of meaningless, unrewarding and repetitive tasks. Any attempt on my part to alert the management to the fact that - in the names of 'modernization' and flexibility' - they have installed a whole series of ludicrous, unproductive and contradictory workplace procedures, will be met by accusations of 'negativity', or of my not being a 'team player'.

The highlight of the working day is my lunch hour, most of which is spent being jostled in a supermarket so overrun by crazed mobs that it resembles the last days of Pompeii. I ponder (as I do each day) whether to choose a 'char-grilled organic vegetable tortilla wrap' or to plump for the 'sun-dried tomato and buffalo mozzarella panini' accompanied by a packet of 'hand-cut kettle chips'. Such is my empowerment as a stakeholder in Brown's New Britain, that this is the only meaningful decision I am now able to make that will have any impact on my life.

I then return to the office for more futile number manipulation and purposeless paper shuffling activities, until I feel I may safely go home, despite having worked the last hour as an unpaid overtime serf.

Perhaps later that evening I may relax by watching some football on TV, as a crew of overpaid, strutting, foreign popinjays bring disgrace and shame upon my once-proud team. It only remains for me to pour myself a third glass of overpriced, disappointing French red (from a supermarket's 'Finest' range), in order that I may be sufficiently anaesthetized as to fall unconscious for a few hours. But not for too long – as I must soon wake up and repeat the entire process the next day, and throughout the working week.

The notion that I will be performing this ghastly routine for the next 30 years or so, or at least until I succumb to some sort of major illness, is becoming increasingly intolerable, and one which fills me with suicidal despair and unmitigated rage in equal measure.

Does anyone else feel that modern life makes them want to literally vomit with fury? Or is it just me?

Free newspaper conspiracy

Look here; this London Lite and TheLondonPaper business - this is all very well in terms of providing commuters with something to pass the time on their journey - but I say, take a deeper look! Now, what is really going on here; hundreds of foreign nationals are being paid a pittance to distribute these free papers to commuters, who invariably discard them in the bus and train carriages after they have dispensed with them. The subsequent litter is then collected by other foreign nationals, again on minimun wages...THIS IS MADNESS.

And if we examine the content of these free papers; why yes, it does pass the time whilst enduring a tube or bus journey - but what are these papers saying? Celebrities' latest escapades and excesses, their indignities and failings being put on display for all to see like a medieval beggar displaying their sores and wounds...soundbite politics with no analysis...overpaid football popinjays throwing tantrums and diving hither and yon...a ghastly compendium of drivel.

And what other message lies within the pages of these papers? CONSUME. Keep "up to speed" with this weeks' "must-have" fashions, musical artists, gadgets, books, interior design, kitchen products. After all, one would not wish to be regarded as out-of-touch...

Besides, the economy depends on it. Do your duty, consume for Britain!

Absurd management jargon

I had to attend a meeting at work earlier today. It was neither enjoyable nor useful. The speakers employed a succession of absurd phrases such as "footprint", "footfall", "outside the envelope", and "singing from the same hymn sheet". Speak English you poltroons!!

Sheep-like use of this silly jargon only serves to highlight the sheer vacuity and bankruptcy of management methods today - short termism, style over content, buzzwords over substance.

Is there a section in the MBA handbook which commends the use of as much meaningless, dribbling jargon as possible, so as to reveal the speaker to be an utter nincompoop?

It would appear so.

Facebook madness

Has the world gone quite, quite mad? I notice from various colleagues that they and their friends are placing the most personal and intimate details about themselves on their Facebook profiles. Photographs of themselves in all manner of contorted positions and states of deshabille, photographs of their families, dates of birth, phone numbers - this is sheer folly! Leaving aside the dangers of fraud and personation, as well as the ever-increasing threat of falling victim to some deranged, gibbering 'stalker', what of the small matter of one's private life becoming public property?

And now I understand that Facebook is to make its 'data' available to search engines such as Google. Ye Gods!

London's Vanishing Cafes

Isn't it about time that Comrade Ken did something to impede the remorseless advance of faceless coffee chains such as Starbucks?http://www.classiccafes.co.uk/RIP.html

Every month seems to bring the news of another great London café being forced to shut (e.g The Tea Rooms, the Piccolo, Sidolis), to be replaced by a drearisome clone establishment. And now I hear that the fabuous New Piccadilly Restaurant of Denman St is due to close at the end of September. This is really a deplorable state of affairs. Pretty soon we will all be living in a Philip K Dick-style nightmare world with interchangeable, indistinguishable shops, cafes, pubs and restaurants.

Disrespecting 'Harry Potter'?

I read with some distress a missive in one of our free papers. The writer describes criticism of the Harry Potter books as being "disrespectful" – oh dear, where to begin?

Ignoring this use of the absurd U.S. "hip hop" argot that appears to have become de rigueur throughout our once-sovereign state, does this person believe that J.K. Rowling is somehow deserving of "respect" because of the undoubtedly huge sales of her books? I believe that Miss Jade Goody attracted millions of viewers during her appearances on the execrable 'Big Brother' – is she also worthy of "respect"? Or does s/he genuinely believe that the Harry Potter oeuvre constitutes the "greatest literature ever written"?

Can it be that our nation, mother to Shakespeare, Dickens, Milton and de Quincey, offers now the proud boast that it gave the literary world 'Muggles' and 'Hagrid'? God help us.

Queueing now 'uncool'?

Does my memory fail me ( not unheard of!) or were people in the habit of queueing for buses 20 or 30 years ago? Nowadays, there is a regular hodge-podge of shoving and jostling at the bus stop. This country was once famed for its queues! What the blazes is going on?

It seems to me that all the small civilities that made this country singular - and yes, great - are being rapidly dispensed with, on account of their being old-fashioned or 'uncool'.

My mission statement: "Passionate about rage"

These days one sees various consumer products described as having been made "with passion", or the company in question claims to be "passionate" about its product. We don't want your passion, you poltroons – just an efficient product or service that is reasonably priced. Is that too much to ask?

Halloween versus 'Trick or Treat'

Since when did Halloween become known as 'Trick or Treat Night'? In the past 10 years or so, I have witnessed the rise of 'Trick or Treat', an alien custom from over the pond (ditto baseball caps, McDonalds, and 'crack').

Great Britain has a venerable tradition of Paganism, celebrated on Halloween, but which is being hijacked in place of this 'Trick or Treat' tommyrot - an excuse for youngsters to behave worse than usual (if that were possible), and another (pre-Christmas) orgy of consumer spending.

Bring back the Old Gods!

Intolerability of iPods

Why is it that use of an iPod should render the owner completely deficient in musical taste or discernment? On my daily 'commute', I frequently observe that none of the musical styles emanating from people's earphones are of any worth, such that I would not remotely choose to listen to them(yet am forced so to do, nonetheless).
There is a scientific mystery here! Let our scientists investigate!

Ben Fogle - strutting popinjay

This Ben Fogle character is really a dreadful strutting popinjay, isn't he? Doubtless, many badgers, shrews, dormice and other woodland creatures despise him for poking, manhandling and waking them so regularly for his vacuous TV programmes. One can only hope that one day they will burn this fop inside some sort of Wicker Man.

Tea versus Coffee

The past 10 or 20 years have seen our national drink, the calming, soothing cup of tea, ousted in favour of the nerve-jangling, palpitation-inducing coffee, as a result of the remorseless spread of coffee chain emporia such as Starbucks. Is it merely a coincidence, then, that this same period of time has seen a marked deterioration in the nation's civility and good manners?

"Making a Difference" - hateful, absurd jargon

Does anyone else find that over-use of the phrase "to make a difference" is becoming intensely irritating? E.g. "I applied for the job of charity mugger because I wanted to make a difference".

It seems no coincidence that the rise of this ghastly phrase has occurred at a time when people feel they have less and less influence or power over their daily lives and the world around them, and are thus unable to "make" any sort of "difference".

Plastic carriage people

A journey on public transport today finds oneself plunged into a ghastly, Orwellian/Matrix-style futuristic nightmare. Around 50% of one's fellow commuters are plugged into iPods or similar contrivances, cutting themselves off from the real world and rendering themselves into passive 'pod people'. Before the rise of these infernal devices, commuters would, instead, read newspapers or books, which required the use of active, creative imagination, or which fostered an awareness of the wider world around them. No longer!
Doubtless our politicians, advertising agencies and manufacturers of disposable goods will be happy to see the creation of this army of passive, unquestioning consumer drones.

Infantile behaviour by grown adults

If one seeks further evidence for the progressive infantilisation of the U.K., just look around you! Infantile behaviour is everywhere: the huge popularity amongst adults of the 'Harry Potter' series of childrens' books; grown men afraid to cycle on the roads, instead taking to the pavements like an army of 8-year-olds; and lastly, the perturbing trend for 40-year-old men to sport skating trainers and surfing attire, as if they were so many superannuated "sk8er bois".
O tempora! O mores!

Cowardly pavement cyclists

Why is it that the overwhelming majority of pavement cyclists are fit, healthy-looking young men? If the roads are now supposedly too dangerous to risk, why are far more young lady cyclists to be seen on roads and amongst the traffic? Are the young men of today really so craven? Good Grief, heaven help us!

In 1939, millions of young Britons flocked to the defence of their nation, with no regard for their own personal safety...let us hope that we are never again threatened with invasion!

'High-five' nonsense

Why must our English sportsmen (such as the cricket team) congratulate each other using the thoroughly American 'high-five'? What is so wrong with a firm handshake, or a pat on the back?

Economic boom plus simultaneous record levels of poverty

We are told that this country is experiencing an economic boom. Consumer spending is at an all-time high, company directors award themselves massive pay increases, and an ever-increasing number of foreign workers are required to service our expanding economy. Yet at the same time, local services are being cut back, up and down the land: public library opening hours are reduced, rubbish collection becomes fortnightly (encouraging vermin), and park keepers are laid off (encouraging a different sort of vermin).

Where does all this wealth go? To whom?

Litter bins 'uncool'?

More and more these days, I am observing items of litter being deposited nearby, adjacent to, and underneath litter bins, but NOT inside the bin itself! What is going on? It is as though people were leaving sacrificial offerings to some primeval, awful deity.

Why do these people not simply PUT THEIR LITTER IN THE BIN? Is it somehow 'uncool' to do so these days?

I am perplexed!

No respect

The word 'respect' seems to be a staple of young peoples' speech these days. This is odd, since they demonstrate - on a daily basis – a lack of respect both for themselves and for the world around them.

Baseball caps - the bane of the nation

How on earth has it come about that the baseball cap has become the chosen national headwear of the British male (or, even worse, in some cases, ladies)?

Do such people play baseball? Is baseball now our national sport?

I think not!

Whither 'Up Yours'?

What has happened to the good old British "V-sign"? I cannot recall the last time I saw this deployed, in anger or otherwise. However, on numerous occasions, I have witnessed irate pedestrians, cyclists and car drivers using the single "middle finger" to express their displeasure.

This is, I fear, another instance of the creeping Americanization of our culture.

The 'Great British Summer' media conspiracy

Every year the media shows a lack of balanced reporting in its coverage of the weather: "Great news - another scorcher on the way"; "Britain basks in 35 degree temperatures"; "We're delighted to announce the first day of summer"; "Here's hoping for a scorchio Bank Holiday" and so on.
In this age of respect for minorities, is it not high time that some consideration be shown to the sizable minority (if not majority?) who find the 'Great British Summer' well-nigh unbearable? Our dislike of hot weather is based on sound, common-sense principles: the onslaught of hayfever; unbearable conditions in the Tube, with one's nose firmly wedged into the armpit of the 'sanitarily challenged'; armies of ants and flies; public parks taken over by grotesque chavs of all description; being compelled to leave one's windows open and thus act as an advertisement for burglars; the inability to sleep at night due to the appalling heat - I could go on!
There is a conspiracy afoot in the media - to make believe that we all love this hot weather. Not so!

Tsar-tterly nonsensical

So we have a 'Crime Tsar', and a 'Roads Tsar'. Now, I understand, there is a 'Cancer Tsar'! Sheer absurdity – did the UK become Imperial Russia, whilst I was having a nap? In fact, I fear that this 'Tsar' nonsense is yet another instance of the creeping Americanization of our culture, as we inexorably slide towards our transformation into the 51 st State of the good ol' US of A.

God help us all.